


The Lord Taketh Away

by Zoe13



Category: Supernatural
Genre: #whatsnew, Canonical major character death, M/M, Spoilers for the season 12 finale, just a short sad fic in which Dean is depressed, mentions of Destiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 07:25:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11249085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoe13/pseuds/Zoe13
Summary: Sam was the one that insisted on burying him instead of burning the body. Sam was the one who said over and over, “he’ll come back, Dean, he always does.” Dean who had always been told he had little faith had secretly had more than anyone knew, and yet in that moment it was Sam who held on, Sam who wanted to leave something for- what, Cas’s soul? Castiel was an angel. He didn’t have a soul. And that meant he was gone.





	The Lord Taketh Away

Cas was the one person that always came back to him. Years, a lifetime even, spent losing nearly everyone that Dean had ever cared about had accustomed him to loss, had taught him to expect it, even, but somehow he had never imagined having to bury his angel. And yet, bury him they did. He’d lost him several times, felt that acute sting of something gone missing, but this time it felt different, somehow. This time something inside of him just  _ broke _ and he didn’t know where to turn or what to say or even how to cry. He really didn’t cry. He just gave up. 

Sam was the one that insisted on burying him instead of burning the body. Sam was the one who said over and over, “he’ll come back, Dean, he always does.” Dean who had always been told he had little faith had secretly had more than anyone knew, and yet in that moment it was  _ Sam  _ who held on,  _ Sam _ who wanted to leave something for- what, Cas’s soul? Castiel was an  _ angel. _ He didn’t have a soul. And that meant he was gone. Wiped from existence with nothing left but a body that had only been his for a handful of years, and the dark imprint of wings in the dirt. The same dirt they were pouring back into the ground over his body and- Dean just couldn’t do it. Digging graves together was a sort of sick tradition he hadn’t realized they had until he broke it, but even then he hardly gave it a second thought as he threw down his shovel and marched back to the car. 

He didn’t get in the driver’s seat. He didn’t start her to hear the radio. He almost hoped Chuck really  _ was _ gone. 

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. But Castiel hadn’t been  _ Dean’s,  _ he’d been his own...person. Being. And that was what Dean had, well,  _ loved  _ about him. That he had learned how to think for himself, decide for himself, be himself. Dean had spent so much of his life doing what his dad would have wanted, he couldn’t help but be drawn to Castiel’s rebellion and longing for freedom. 

And yet, in the end, Castiel wasn’t free. True, he was scattered into the wind and could no longer be controlled, but he couldn’t do  _ anything _ anymore. Couldn’t get confused by cellphones or pop culture references, couldn’t do that little quizzical head tilt or explode onto a scene in glorious righteous anger, couldn’t be simultaneously one of the strongest beings Dean had ever seen and also the safest and most well meaning. Cas had been so  _ human _ that Dean had almost forgotten he was a celestial being. And oh, how wrong it felt to drag an angel from the sky and bury him in the ground. 

Dean got back out of the car. Sam was still shoveling. Dean took a step back and stared at the Impala. Still, the scrape of the shovel sounded. It began to grate on him.  _ Scrape. Dump. Scrape. Dump. _ Leaving Cas in the earth. Leaving him  _ behind. _ How could he leave him behind again? He had done it so many times, and every time he had sworn was the last, but it never had been. Now, the choice had been taken from him. For so long he’d hoped maybe he’d make it into heaven. He’d thought dying wouldn’t be so bad if once he died he went upstairs and found Bobby and Ellen and Jo, and- he’d forgotten that Cas wouldn’t be there.

Cas was gone more finally and more permanently than anyone Dean had ever known, and he would truly never see him ever again. Never make him angry, never see that flash behind his blue eyes, never have to explain another “normal” thing to him again. Never, never, never again. 

_ Cas was gone forever. _

“ _ Fuck!”  _ It ripped out of him, and suddenly he was swinging at anything solid, his fist connecting with the passenger side window of the Impala and shattering the glass, cutting up his hand and spraying blood. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Each curse word was punctuated with a blow as he knocked out every shard of glass that clung to the edge of the window. When the glass was gone he slammed his fist down on the hood, pain shooting through his hand and only serving to anger him more as he screamed out his hurt and frustration at the sky. “Fuck every single one of you damned celestial dicks!”

“ _ Dean! _ Dean, stop it!” Sam was there before he knew it, grabbing him from behind and desperately tugging him away from the car as he tried to beat on it with his weak human hands. “You’re just hurting yourself!”

“Damn you all!” Dean yelled, but it was suddenly a sob and oh, there were the tears. “Damn them…”

“I know, Dean, I know,” Sam tried to soothe as he held him back, but Dean was done. The anger flooded out and he crumpled to the ground, putting his head in his knees and trying to force back the tears.  _ Don’t waste your tears, _ John had always said, but Cas could never be a waste. 

“Not a waste,” Dean choked out incoherently. “I can’t stop-”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Sam sat next to him and put an arm over his shoulders. “Don’t stop. Don’t force it down, or it’ll kill you. Just let it out. I know, it’s not a waste to cry.”

“He’s an angel, Sammy, he can’t come back.” The words kept catching in his throat but he couldn’t stop talking. “He can’t come back and he can’t go to heaven. He can’t even go to hell, he’s just  _ nowhere. _ Chuck let him be  _ wiped from existence _ and he can go fuck himself for letting me have him and then taking him away.”

“Dean…”

“Why’d he take him away, Sammy? Huh? Why’d he have to take him away?” Dean’s voice was tinged with hysteria, but there was no one telling him to stop. Sam knew better, and there was no one else around. No one else left, again. He hadn’t felt this raw in a long time. “Day after day, month after month, year after year...I have given this fight an entire lifetime and I’m only asking for one thing.  _ One thing.  _ I just want to live life with you and Cas by me.  _ Was that too much to ask? _ ” 

The last sentence was screamed at the sky, but there was no answer, of course, and Dean finally just gave in and gave up. No one cared about two humans who had given everything to keep humanity, the world, and even heaven and hell where they belonged. It always ended up here, with Sam and Dean having lost everything and no one else giving a damn. Well, Dean was done.

Sam seemed unsettled when Dean unfolded himself and stood, the tears stopping short. He didn’t even bother to wipe them from his face.

“Dean?” Sam questioned tentatively as he turned and headed back to the car. Dean didn’t bother to answer as he opened the damaged door, swept off the broken glass, and sat down in the passenger seat. Sam continued to eye him warily, but finally he took the hint and, after collecting their scattered tools and throwing a few more shovelfuls of dirt on the grave, got behind the wheel and drove away from the cursed place. 

_ I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing _ Dean had said once. In that moment, he thought maybe he  _ couldn’t _ feel a thing. His mind felt as if it was stuck on loop watching Cas fall over and over again. And for  _ what? _ Why’d that stupid son of a bitch sacrificed himself  _ again  _ for something that they didn’t even know a damn thing about? Dean was so upset he couldn’t even find it in him to feel bad for making Sam keep it together and get them home. He knew Sam was feeling it keenly as well, Cas was  _ their  _ best friend after all, but he still had hope. He believed Cas could come back. Sam pulled himself through life using hope because even if it didn’t come through, he’d gotten himself through the worst of it with it. Dean wasn’t sure how he pulled himself through life anymore. Maybe he’d reached breaking point, finally. He thought he had over and over, but him and Sam- it was like in the beginning when they had nothing, except this time they’d had and lost instead of starting with nothing. And even then they’d had Bobby, hadn’t they?

Then his mind was back on loop and all he could see was Cas lying lifeless in the dirt. He wished he hadn’t seen the body, wished his memory of Cas wasn’t always going to be tainted by that image. Because now whenever he tried to remember him, it was all he saw.

He sank back in the seat and tried to shut down his mind. It didn’t work. In that moment, Dean Winchester gave up on the world. And he didn’t think he’d ever get that back. 

Maybe tomorrow he and Sam would wake up and go on their search for Lucifer and his offspring. One thing he knew for certain- he didn’t have enough fight left in him to get himself out alive again. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm actually a new fan of Supernatural as I was only able to start watching it a couple of months ago. I'm absolutely obsessed, however, and I hope this fic isn't just godawful haha please let me know what ya'll think :)


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